When It Wasn’t on your Calender

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again; 2021 has been a year for the books so far!

If you would have asked me at the beginning of it how I thought the year was going to go, I wouldn’t have even been close in my guesses. Just like you, I had hopes and plans for things I thought the year would bring and of course the non-negotiables that the Army throws in, but God had other things in mind.

I’m not the same person I was at the start of the year, but then again, is anyone?

I’ve had to change courses more than once. I’ve had to re-evaluate my priorities and start the process of letting go of things I thought I’d never have to let go of. I’ve started down paths that weren’t even on my radar. And honestly? If I would have been given the option of them, I would have run so fast in the opposite direction!

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”.

You see, I’m a planner. I like knowing what’s coming next. Most things in my life have had a list and sublists attached to them. I’m also so guilty of trying to control things that have never been mine to control. Maybe someday we’ll be able to sit down together, but for now I’ll spare you the details.

Most of this year has been defined by what’s felt like an uphill climb in which I’ve lost my footing more times than I’d like to admit.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been so many good and wonderful moments, honestly more than bad, that I am beyond grateful for! I have had so many people surround Kaz and I in the most amazing love and support. Just because there’s been so much good and growth though, doesn’t negate the bad, the tears cried, the damage done, or the questions left unanswered.

Genesis 50:20 says, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

I know I wouldn’t be who I am today without the bad. I wouldn’t have had to look deep inside myself and to do and continue to do the hard work. I wouldn’t have cried out to God like I should have been doing all along. I wouldn’t have realized how misguided my faith has been in the wrong things and people for years. I would have never fully admitted that something I used to define myself by and find my identity in was never something God meant for me in the long run.

But you know what? I also wouldn’t know my true worth. I wouldn’t know that I could go through something so soul crushing and come out stronger and better than I’ve ever been. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to stare one of my biggest fears in the face and send it packing. I wouldn’t have experienced just how faithful God truly is!

One day I’m going to look back on this season of life and be able to tell the story of how I overcame this battle. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll end up being part of someone’s survival guide and a living testament that even when the giant seems big, how much bigger and greater is He who is within me than he who is in the world!

When God Wrecks Your Plans

If you would have asked me a year ago if this is where my life would be, I would have said “Absolutely not!”. I had the next few years planned out, or at least as much of a plan as you can have with the military.

Sometimes God wrecks our plans before they can wreck us, and that’s exactly what He did with mine.

John 13:7 says, “You do not understand what I am doing now, but someday you will.”

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve cried out to God asking all the questions; Why is this happening? What can I do to stop it? Will this ever end? How am I going to make it through? The biggest question of all has remained though; What now?

Now that certain things have happened and the plan I had for life is no longer an option, what now?

You see, in my mind I had two options; let myself be thrown all around or I could choose to get off the ride and walk away. If you know me you know thatI am loyal to a fault! If I’m being honest, there are still times I struggle so hard to find the strength to keep walking.

I can’t control others, but I can control myself. Right now, in this season of life, walking away is the best thing I can do not only for myself but also for Kaz.

2 Kings 4:1-7 tells of a woman that found herself in the darkest valley she’d ever encountered. She wasn’t sure how she was going to make it out.

If I learned anything from this woman and her story, it’s to keep pouring and have faith, especially when it seems like you’re running on fumes.

God always provides, even if its not in the way we were praying or hoping for. No matter how little I think I have left to offer, God is making a way.

He needed to wreck my plans now because as badly as it hurts now, it would have been worse had things kept going the way they were.

I know I haven’t been brought this far to only have been brought this far!