John 13:7 says, “You do not understand what I am doing now, but someday you will.”
If we’ve talked at any point in the last several months, you probably know that this season of life had me crying out to God on a regular basis. I had never been broken down in this way before, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. This kind of soul crushing is relentless and comes and goes in waves, but it’s revealed just what I’m made of and who I truly belong to.
On the bad days, it’s had me questioning God in every single way. I just couldn’t understand why Kaz and I were being put through this. How could a good God allow this kind of thing to happen? That’s exactly what the devil wanted me to believe though, and it would have been so freaking easy to ya’ll.
The crazy thing though? I am so incredibly grateful for this breaking down of what I thought my life was and who I thought I was. You see, it’s easy when you’re in something to make the excuses and convince yourself that things aren’t that bad or maybe if I would have done or not done something it could have been prevented. That’s a whole other issue to breakdown another day though.
Without going through this, I know I wouldn’t have been able to be rebuilt so much better than I was before. I wouldn’t have been forced to strengthen certain relationships in my life. I wouldn’t have specific people in my life at all had I not gone through this, and something about that is so beautiful to watch unfolding in the midst of everything else.
People tell me how strong they think I am. They say that they don’t think they’d be doing as well as I am right now, but I can also tell that people are waiting and watching to see if I fall apart again.
The truth? Part of me knows it’s expected of me to be sad and upset at the way things are unfolding. I did the whole sitting on the kitchen floor at 3:00 AM crying my heart out. I did the struggle through the day while pouring absolutely every last bit of energy I had into taking care of Kaz only to crumble the second he was asleep thing. I did the crying out to God when all I could get out was, “Why?”. Looking back, I’m starting to be able to see why this had to happen though.
I may never fully understand. That thought alone was paralyzing at the beginning of this all but not anymore. It’s true; I may never full understand, but I no longer feel the need to in order to move forward and on.
This season of life will always be marked by some of the darkest of days I have experienced thus far, but also some of the brightest. I have had family step up and in in ways I didn’t even know to ask for. I’ve had friends, both old and new, love me (and Kaz) so fiercely and be there for us especially when family was so far away.
Life has a crazy way of doing that though, and God has an oh so perfect way of giving and taking exactly what is needed in or out of our lives.
These days I know I still have mountains to face, but instead of being scared by the size of it I’m reminded every single day that my God will always be bigger!